bryanjazz

(photo by DJ Markey)

My cousin Ursula died on December 22, 2008. More than a close relative, she was my mutually self-proclaimed godmother, both my guide and my confidante...my best friend.

She was my rock to lean on, my compass in navigating through the sea of life.

As I began to capture them in words, those were the thoughts that prompted the flow of emotions.

How does one travel the sea without a compass?

Ursula & Iman (my godson)...or Imri, his twin. :)More than any other person in the world, Ursula "understood" who I am and loved me for me. I am reminded of that common teenage concern - "no one understands me!" - as I reflect on how, when I was a teenager,  she was the first person I ever "came out to". Though I had no doubt of her acceptance, I remember how nervous and anxiety-ridden I was -- to speak my truth to another person. Her acceptance, nurturing and support before and since that moment have been not only invaluable, but integral to who I am as a person.  The best parts of me have been informed by the love and wisdom she shared with me. I am truly fortunate to have experienced and learned the meaning of unconditional love.

At times like these, the words I often turn to that help to shape my experience are from Lebanese poet Khalil Gibran's The Prophet, a book that Ursula also appreciated. In the section "On Death", the prophet speaks (excerpt):

If you would indeed behold the spirit of death,
open you heart wide unto the body of life.
For life and death are one,
even as the river and the sea are one.

In the depth of your hopes and desires
lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow
your heart dreams of spring.
Trust the dreams,
for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.

Dreaming (photo by DJ Markey)Ursula's heart was open so wide to the body of life, and to the lives of others. Her years of working...her many years of pouring her soul and being into advocacy for families of children with disabilities, and especially those in underserved communities is known throughout the country. At the same time, she had a deep reservoir from which she gave so much to family and friends, who's lives and souls she could touch with just a word or two, a poignant joke or a timely smile (she had a legendary sense of humor). And through it all she was constantly dreaming...always speaking of possibilities...of what could be created tomorrow. Is that not what life is about?Ursula & son, Teiko, "We just voted Obama"

But it is not death most on my mind as I settle into the new year, but friendship. For I have lost my oldest and dearest friend...one who has known me my entire life...through all that the body of life has shown me. She was the person I could tell anything to, and indeed, proceeded to do so. And she, in turn, shared so much with me. I am happy that several of the people in many aspects of my life got a chance to meet her, and that she got to view more of me by meeting them.

Ursula and son, Duane (d. 1998)She was loved, treasured and valued by so many people from all walks of life. Many appreciated how she had the ability to know the essence of you, that highest part of your self; and to show it to you...reflect it back to you, for you both to behold and see the beauty. It was a gift she naturally and effortlessly gave to those she called "friend." And no matter how one came to know her, whether through family, work, community or life, at the basis of her closest relationships, she was a friend. "On Friendship" the prophet speaks (excerpt):

When your friend speaks his mind
you fear not the "nay" in your own mind,
nor do you with hold the "aye."
And when he is silent
your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts,
all desires, all expectations are born and shared,
with joy that is unclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not,
For that which you love most in him
may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain
to the climber is clearer from the plain.

And let there be no purpose in friendship
save the deepening of the spirit.

...

For what is your friend
that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need,
but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship
let there be laughter,
and the sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things
the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

Chillin' at JazzFest: Jamila, Ursula & BryanIt is this deepening of spirit that I will sorely miss...shared desires and expectations...unclaimed joy. I have long believed that at the heart of great friendship is the "dew of little things." The sharing of the small pleasures that weave into the moments of life. Those are the things that combine with moments of laughter and accumulate to then cause that smile that emerges on your face as you look down the street and you see that it is your friend that is approaching. Whether it was our shared love of food, or music; or the fact that Ursula and I had the same favorite color (purple); or the sharing of cooking tips and secrets; hearing about her famous finds on ebay; our watching infomercials together (LOL); or the fact that we both, understandably, remove our glasses before eating (either you just get this...or you don't, LOL)...it is these little things, thrown in with the the more dramatic lows and highs of life, that form the spices that enhance the flavor of great friendships. Which then cause you to "seek him with hours to live."

Om Supreme California: Ursula and husband, Dempsey "DJ" (photo by B. Glover)I cannot yet say that I grieve not. When the parting at first seemed so unfathomable, I wondered how this next part of my journey would be without her. And yet, as I continue to feel her presence, as I remember all that she has given me, and still does, my heavy heart is somewhat lightened. For this loss is far outweighed by all that I have gained through being fortunate enough to have known and loved Ursula Arceneaux Markey...to have had her in my life.

So perhaps, like the climber who sees a mountain he knows he can no longer climb, I can begin to appreciate Ursula's majesty from a distance. And perhaps, with her constancy in my field of vision, I will be able to construct a compass with which to navigate this sea of life.

Ache

(for more on Ursula, see this article from the Times-Picayune.)

First, I want to give thanks and praise to my ancestors (including my father), for paving the way and creating the space for me to exist in this place and time. I honor them and thank them for the many blessings I have received throughout this first 40 years.

I want to next thank and praise my mother, who not only gave birth to me 40 years ago, but also courageously did an excellent job as a single mom, successfully raising a black male child in America. Her choices, on my behalf, led to an abundance of opportunities and choices in my own life, including an excellent education grounded in an appreciation for my own African American cultural heritage, a respect for others based on a sense of self-respect, and an appreciation of joy and laughter. I love you, mom.

I also want to thank my cousins, Ursula and DJ Markey, who provided me (throughout my life and continuously) unconditional love and acceptance that has been invaluable as I've formed my own sense of self. Moreover, they also served as excellent mentors, shaping my sense of global citizenship, deepening my appreciation of jazz and world culture, and providing me with a first-hand account of the zeitgeist of the 1960's, the decade in which I entered this plane.

Indeed, I have always felt a positive connection to "the 60's", that turbulent decade which shook the world. And now, 40 years later, it appears that one of those of us born in that era is on the verge of ushering in a new generation of leadership to the position of President of the United States. To be 40, and witness someone born in the same decade and whose age is in the same range as mine is....well, more specifically...it's the fact that he represents a turn toward the highest aspirations of those of us in this age group and younger that is truly inspirational.

As my mom wrote to me and reminded me in a letter I read this morning:

...You were born the day before carnival and in a leap year. That was February 26, 1968.

That period was a time in this country when racism, segregation, and separation was a way of life in the South. Racism was not as subtle as it is now. Though the signs denoting Colored/White sections in restaurants, buses, theaters, etc. were no longer in evidence, the practice was still evident in many places.

In that year, on April 4, 1968 (my birthday) Dr. Martin Luther King was assassinated. That caused a lot of riots in the country but also seemed to lead to a more intense feeling of pride in our people. Slogans of "Black and Proud" were heard all over, people were wearing dashikis, men and women were wearing natural hair styles and more people started giving their children African names."

And indeed, 40 years later I have a natural hair style and have been to the motherland myself...and may witness the first African American president. Certainly socio-economic injustice (globally and nationally), gender and sexuality discrimination, and everyday racism still pervade our nation and our planet. However, my own fortune and the current political movement which Mr. Obama represents, reminds me of the famous quote from that man assassinated two months safer my birth:

When our days become dreary with low hovering clouds of despair, and when our nights become darker than a thousand midnights, let us remember that there is a creative force in this universe, working to pull down the gigantic mountains of evil, a power that is able to make a way out of no way and transform dark yesterdays into bright tomorrows. Let us realize the arc of the moral universe is long but it bends toward justice.

- Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

So it feels great to be 40. I am thankful for my good health and sound mind, and generally feel blessed at this "mid-life" point to have choices about the possibilities I want to create in my life. In my travels around the planet, I have learned first-hand about the privileges I enjoy with respect to majority of the population of the world, and what a joy it is to meet others near and far, and share what I can...especially the sharing of myself.

PEACE!

Once again I find myself posting about Wangari Maathai, the Nobel Peace Prize Laureate form Kenya. In an article she wrote for Forbes.com regarding the recent Peace Prize being given to Al Gore and the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, Ms. Maathai eloquently illustrates the African context of the environmental movement, and why global warming is more than an abstract notion for the continent, which is experiencing sweeping environmental changes that real people are facing today. Maathai writes:

For me, the issue is personal--for it is in my part of the world, the continent of Africa, that the effects of global climate change are likely to be most severe. Increased drought, erratic rainfall, floods, crop failures and the consequent migration of large numbers of people will only intensify already existing tensions here and in other developing regions.

Indeed, as my own love for the continent and it's people have grown through my travels there, the issue is personal for me, too. Read her article, "An Appreciation of Al Gore", here.

BBC Profile

The Green Belt Movement

Two years ago, an American city experienced the costliest and one of the deadliest natural disasters in U.S. history. As a native of that city, New Orleans, Louisiana, it is deeply troubling to note that the devastating effects on the city of Hurricane Katrina still remain largely unaddressed. Those in power in the current American oligarchy continue to channel billions and billions of dollars toward their self-serving imperialist enterprise, while New Orleans and its inhabitants continue to be neglected, largely due to issues of class and race.

And so it goes...

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Personally, I have been to New Orleans about 5 times since the storm hit. Each visit is bittersweet; a chance to return home (or revisit the question of home), to see family (though my mom has relocated/been displaced to Houston), and to experience the culture...or what's left of it. JAZZFEST still happens, and, as noted here before, it is an anticipated, joyful reunion time for close friends and family. It's still that, yet many discussions about things to do, see or experience in the city end in a brief silence after an acknowledgment of what's "not there anymore." Driving around the city, seeing all the abandoned homes and businesses, only confirms the absences present in the conversations. I didn't drive around the city on my last visit.

So on this second anniversary after the storm, I am wondering about the future of the city that was.

See also:

How to Destroy an African American City in 33 Steps - Lessons from Katrina
Beyond Katrina
New Orleans Independent Media Center

(*listening to John Coltrane's "Lonnie's Lamment)